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Socially Inept

SeductioNLP: I'm a long time lurker to ASF. I've never employed any seduction techniques because I'm still trying to jump the first hurdle. My problem is that I'm incredibly shy. Not just with HB's (which I think most guys started off that way) but with anybody. Even guys. Even with people I know. Conversations that I engage in are usually very one-sided, or filled with long pauses. I'm the guy that says the least in a group setting. I think that I wouldn't be so shy if I "knew what to say". And I'm not talking about patterns here. I'm talking about basic conversation skills, that I seem to lack. My question is, Are there any PUA's that post here that had to overcome shyness or social ineptness, and if so what steps did you take in order overcome it?

Style: Listen to everyone here. Reading will only get you so far. You must act. That is the only way to learn. Start out slow, and take it one step at a time.

Here's what I suggest. Start with a plan. Make a list of stories you can tell, phrases you can say to people, whatever works. Then practice saying them out loud. Grow to like the sound of your own voice and trust in the fact that what you have to say is interesting to other people. They are bored, and looking for some sort of stimulation to break out of their boring daily routine.

I'm also willing to bet that you don't look people in the eye when you speak to them. Hold your head up and meet their gaze. Then, for starters, walk around where you live and practice asking directions or for the time or whatever. These are AFC tactics, but you have to start somewhere. Then practice creating follow up conversation.

I'd recommend reading "Introducing NLP." Not just because of the seduction tactics, but because of its ideas about relearning certain behaviors. You must retrain yourself: it may seem contrived at first, but soon you'll internalize it. Learn to make small talk. Some of the best PUAs I know don't use SS: they're just casual and friendly and open.

Machx7: I am dealing with these issues myself.I have been diagnosed as suffering from social phobia which basically means I suffer from shyness and also a bit of depression as well. For anxiety I take Effexor, it helps but unfortunately it does not give me confidence and social skills.

Currently, I am reading Kent Sayre's Unstoppable Confidence which is a really good book, hopefully it will help me in not having confidence and self esteem. I wish they had a similar book on social skills as well.Like the other posters I am either too shy to talk to people or unlike others I will say things totally inappropriate. I think I mentioned in another post I have a love for fart and crap jokes. As for telling stories, unfortunately I don't have any interesting ones to tell, mostly from being reclusive as a result of my shyness.

In retrospect I should work on this a little as well as trying to be a PUA. I tend to go to clubs, since I feel it is easier since the music is so loud you can't talk and that it is mostly kino. I was reading about the crash and burn mission, though with all the times I have been rejected it shouldn't bother me anymore but it does. Anyway.

To all you people who dealt with shyness? How hard was it to overcome it? How did you get self esteem, were you like me and though you were a total loser and did not like the person you saw in the mirror? Were you also like me and were afraid that if you opened your mouth people wouldn't like you cause you would say something dumb or offensive.

Alessandro: I am not a PUA, but I have over come shyness.Being the second youngest, of 7 brothers and 4 sisters was pain in the ass. Besides, I come from a culture were youngsters follow elders; imagine not being able to drink water until your elders drink, or they allow you to do so. Then there was constant movement from one country to another, were i never got to learn to speak the native tongue, and hence was forced to shut up.

I could go for hours whining about this, but i will stop.

The solution to your problem is easy. Simply LOVE PEOPLE. I am not telling you to become a tree hugging, beetles listening hippie -- which is not a bad thing by the way. I am just telling you to be sincere to people, and realize them for the weak humans they are. Everyone is self conscious, and everyone has a hole to plug (no pun intended ;-) Don't judge yourself so harshly, for you are like everyone else.

If you want to be given attention, give attention to others first. Listen to people, and try your best to see things from their perspective. If you imagine everyone as an "outsider" that you must avoid, you are simply isolating yourself. Don't do it.Learn to become a good listener, and learn to have mercy for everyone else. It will show on your face! Do the newbie mission, say "hi" to fifty people, and you will see a difference.

ParkBlvd: I used to be incredibly shy, but it actually took me a while to become shy. In high school, I was completely confident, never had a care in the world, and it was all because I was socially clueless - I didn't care about what other people thought of me since I never even thought to think what they were thinking about me, and it freed me up. But then I went to college (Caltech, for all you "I programmed an entire OS on my toaster!" bastards ;) ) and it destroyed my self-confidence, since it made me start thinking about what other people thought of me (I thought everyone thought I was a nerd and didn't want to talk to me - great social programming, eh?). Those thoughts tended to avalanche till I couldn't actually interact with anyone I didn't know without saying, "Uh, excuse me, but, um, excuse... um, I don't know your name, um, but... what time is it? Excuse me?"

How'd I get over it? Well, about a year ago I got out and did the newbie missions until I pretty much asked every third B what time it was. (hint - take your watch off before you do this) And that got me to realize that people aren't actually watching me (or else they might ask, "Didn't you just ask that girl up there for the time?"). But asking people for the time is only half of the first step. How do you just start talking to them about something? That's hard, right?

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