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My First Threesome
"Yeah." She's all hot and bothered. "So you'd take me home?"
"YES I would. Yes. Oh yes. Ah, you're so sweet. Look at you."
I don't close her. I could have taken her away right there, but no. She's locked in now, provided I don't do anything stupid. It's time to play in the high stakes round. A quick word about what I just did. If you get asked by a girl if you fancy her, or if you'd fuck her, or if you'd like to whatever, don't treat it like a weird test. Treat it like an open goal-mouth in the World Cup final. Hammer your shit home. Really go for it. Wax lyrical. Get visual. Hit that ball back fifty times as hard as you got it. It turns women on. A lot.
Tank Girl comes back from the bathroom.
"Hey baby." I say.
They lean together and have a passionate, full on snog. It's fucking sexy. I could smash bricks with the rock hard lump in my pants. I refrain from so doing. Then I get an idea. It's a good one.
As they're in the middle of the kiss, I say, quietly "This may be a little inappropriate, but..." Then I get Tank Girl's hand and place it on Pocahontas's boob. She starts feeling her up in an expert lesbian way. I place Pocahontas's hand on Tank Girl's boob. She starts feeling her up in a bi-curious experimental way. This is turning into a masterpiece. I feel like Da Vinci.
Ok – here's the thing. If you're trying to get something like this off the ground, you need to either be secure in yourself, or be really good at shutting the fuck up when you need to. Girls can sense if you are jealous. If I'd have interrupted that kiss, or tried to join in, I'd have ended up going home either alone or with just one of them. Probably with Pocahontas. You need to let them seduce each other, and the weird thing is that even though they were both girls, my jealousy alarms were blaring like crazy in my head. You could actually feel the sexual chemistry between these two chicks like a physical heat. It was kind of scary – for a second I thought they'd just fuck off and leave me there alone, but I held my nerve. I kept my cool through an enormous effort of will in the face of an incredibly intoxicating combination of jealousy and arousal. Eventually they broke the kiss. For a few seconds, no one spoke.
"That was hot." I said.
Now, I'm sure that we represented a bit of a spectacle. As I mentioned, this is outside in a busy street. That said, no-one had given us any shit up until this point. All of a sudden, the nastiest, skankiest junkie-smackhead of a sleazy rotting-toothed tramp-in-his-best-suit starts trying to bust in on the conversation. Every time I speak he laughs loudly, just behind me in my ear, as if to get my attention. He sidles up behind Tank Girl. I shift slightly closer and put an arm around her shoulder.
This guy might as well have been sent from heaven. He was in such appalling physical shape that there was no way in a blue moon he could ever, even with a knife, represent a physical threat to me. He was obviously drunk, and probably junked up, and skanky as fuck, but he gave me the perfect opportunity to play Lancelot and demonstrate some fucking manliness.
He asked me for a lighter, and then tried to slur some crap at the girls. In all fairness he was trying to disarm the obstacle first, so we'll have to give him some credit for that. Nonetheless, I figured the direct approach would be best.
"Excuse me mate," I said, in a friendly tone with a hint of steel behind it, "I'm having a private chat with my friends. Do you mind?"
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