You're a celebrity? Neat, let's fuck

She gets up after a bit, says "Here is how it is done", and gives me a rough, deep massage that feels pretty good for a minute, then goes and lies on her bed.

I straddle her ass and give her a good massage, eventually taking off her bra and running my hands underneath her top on her bare back.

After a bit, I lie down with her and we talk, no kissing.

She asks if I'm a virgin, I laugh at her.

She asks how old I am, I tell her. She asks for ID to prove it. I laugh at her.

She continues shit-testing me, *hard*.

"Your feet smell so bad."
"Your beard looks terrible. You need to cut it."
"You've got earrings. Why you have earrings?"
"You should wash your clothes more."

Stuff like that. Shrugged at the first two, ran some cocky/funny at the third, called her a retard playfully on the fourth.

Then there was, "You've got such a small nose... Chinese girls tell by nose size if a man has a big penis or not. You have small penis." She holds up her fingers about five inches apart.

I nod emphatically. "Very small. Two inches long". I hold up my fingers in a ridiculously short amount (credit: ijjji). She then qualifies me on my penis, "No, it must be bigger than that", then realizes that she just qualified me on my penis size and then cringes just a tiny bit. It's awesome and hilarious to observe, especially since I understand much of the reasoning behind it.

We're laying down together, talking about various stuff. She compliments me on my eyes, and the "blue and green and yellow in then" and asks if anyone has ever told me I have beautiful eyes before. (Might've been a shit test, might've not, I couldn't tell and don't care). I nod and say, "All the time" playfully (and it's kinda true: Eyes come right after "strength" and "hair" as my three most-often gotten compliments from women). She giggles at that.

She asks me how many women I've been with, I say I've lost count (which is true). I then say I'm not incredibly sex-experienced, though (which is true: I tend to like blowjobs better anyway, so I usually just go for that on standard f&c's, and only had two long-term girlfriends that I ever had consistent relations with).

She asks me what my first girl was like, and I tell her she her about my first being a half-Korean model who studied at an Ivy League school before going back to South Korea (which is mostly true). She asked about my second, and I told her about a British girl I had, and how it ended so nicely when she moved. We just parted on a kiss, and it never really ended other than circumstance.

She laughs kinda spitefully and says, "So your first two girls both dumped you?" That was maybe the hardest shit-test I got in the whole night, because it's somewhat true, I suppose. Not so much with the second, but definitely the first. I just tried not to react, but I got a little quieter after that, and she then apologized and said she was playing around.

I nodded and said "I know" and went back to being regular me.

She asks if I have a condom, I say I need comfort and trust before letting this go further. She says, "Stop wasting my time. Leave." I laugh at her.

She presses the condom issue and I say, "Fine, yes, I do have a condom." She reaches into both of my front pants-pockets (running her hands a little on me in the process), and sees no condom (incidentally, it's in my front shirt pocket... and there's also $200 in smallish bills there from gambling, which is funny and I hadn't realized I had that much on me).

She gets up and goes to one of her drawers, rummages a bit, and pulls something out as I held up the condom. She says, "It extra large. Probably too big for you" as she holds up, then sees I brought a condom. I put it back in my shirt pocket.

We fluff a bit more, then she says she wants to give me a massage. I lie down and she climbs on me and starts.