Opener Collection VII

He's been hanging around with that Michael Jackson guy again.

SIMPSONS OPENER (Gunwitch) Hey do you ever watch The Simpsons? Why has Marge never left Homer, I mean she's a sexy bitch and he's a deadbeat who fucks up all the time.

At this point you can just go on and talk about The Simpsons for a while.

SLEEP WITH JESUS (Pnutt) This may sound like a weird question, but would you sleep with Jesus?

Like ok. It's the year of 25 and your sitting at a bar in Jerusalem and this dude Jesus walks over and he sits down next to you. He orders you a water and turns it into wine. Would you have sex with him?

(blah, blah, blah)

"if there's one guy to have a one night stand with, its Jesus!"

if its a mixed set, you use it on the guy:

"if there's one guy to be gay with, its Jesus!"

SPELLS OPENER (Mystery Method) "Do you think spells work?" Sometimes this will send the woman off on a long blab, but if the conversation needs to be kept going, the follow-up routine is:

"The reason I'm asking is because my friend over there met a girl in a club last week. He wasn't interested in her sexually, because she wasn't really his type." (Here the woman might say "Sure," in which case you reply "No, really!" and touch her arm or waist.) "Anyway, she hung out at his house and after she left, he found a metal ring wrapped around a scroll and some feathers under his couch. Well, he took it to a magick store and they said it was an attraction spell. And now, the strange thing is, he can't stop thinking of her. Do you think it's the spell or just psychological?"

TATOO OPENER (unknown) Hey guys, would you ever get a Tattoo?

Here's the deal…my nineteen-year-old sister wants to get her boyfriends name tattooed on her shoulder.

(no, no don't let her do it)

See that's the problem she's really strong headed and when I tell her not to get the tattoo it just makes her want to get it even more. How do I deal with that and let her really know its mistake?

TEXT MESSAGE BREAK-UP Is it OK to breakup with someone with a text message? (Then make up a good back-story for this)

TWIN BROTHERS (Ross Jefferies) You're at a party or a club and you meet twin brothers; they are absoutely identical, physically.

ONE of them has the best hands of any guy you've ever met. The other is an incredible dancer. Which one do you pick?

Same scenario. Again, the two guys are identical. One makes you laugh more than anyone you've ever met. The other is the most incredible kisser you could ever in a lifetime encounter. Which one do you pick?

Same scenario: One guy has more money than Bill Gates. The other makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, desirable woman who ever walked the face of the planet. Which do you pick?

(It'd probably be best to make up some sort of back-story for this)

WEBBED FEET (Nilatak) "Hey guys... would you date a guy with webbed feet??"

"I had a summer job at Y Supermarket and there was this guy I used to work with that had webbed feet. He would always complain that he couln't get a girlfriend. He needed to stuff his shoes with cotton so they would fill up and he would always walk on the tips of his feet. People used to call him 'Twinkle Toes'!"

They usually ask if it's me or my wing and I just bust out with "Nawwww...I'm DINKY PENIS!"

WHO LIES MORE (Chris Rock version) Hey guys, I need a female opinion… who lies more Guys or Girls??.......... The way I see it girls the tell the small lies like "you're ass doesn't look fat in those pants" but girls… they tell the big ones... like... "Its your baby!"