Fear of Success and Intimacy

The honesty and vulnerability required for intimacy is a problem because fundamentally they are not happy with their real self and do not like themselves. The requirement to raise these uncomfortable issues and expose them to another, results in a ‘brick wall' to anyone that tries to get that close as a defence to getting hurt – their fear of rejection by the other party. These people often spend their lives trying to protect themselves by lying about who they are to themselves and the world spending lots of time and energy trying to keep the truth hidden from other people.

Fear of emotional engulfment

The emotions experienced during intimacy, both emotional and physical, can be overwhelming and scary for someone who does not have the skills to deal with them. All the issues relating to emotional engulfment stem from an inability to manage emotions. In addition, some groups of people are affected much more by their emotions and feel things much more strongly, making these people much more susceptible to emotional engulfment problems.

Loss of control

Fear of a loss of control is likely to be a bigger problem for Dismissive-Avoidant attachment types who strongly avoid any dependency on anyone else. If they let someone get close to them they feel very vulnerable that there is a possible source of hurt and rejection that they are not in direct control over and seek to distance themselves from this to avoid it.

The strong emotions invoked in intimacy can also make them feel out of control with a fear that the intense emotions are taking over. They become afraid they can't suppress and control their response to them as usual.

Another control problem can stem from the effect the other has on them in more general terms by making life easier and making them feel good. This is enjoyable and pleasant and they become increasingly worried they will get dependant on the other to provide this – a source which is unpredictable and outside of their control. Another is a worry about ability to cope with the loss of the relationship; that the break-up could devastate them by being unable to cope.

Problems dealing with hurtful experiences

For these people bad or hurtful experiences hurt them much more deeply as a result of their high sensitivity to emotion. They find it very hard to forget and move on from a bad experience which may linger as a painful memory for years after the event. As a defence they don't let themselves be put in the same position again even if it is subconscious. Any hurtful memories relating to past intimacy or relationships will have the biggest effect.

Ties with Social Anxiety

Fear of intimacy has strong ties with social anxiety since they both stem from similar insecurities and beliefs, with most social anxiety suffers also experiencing problems with intimacy. Fearful-Avoidant attachment types are also particularly prone. People who suffer from social anxiety will often feel inadequate, avoiding social situations and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They desire for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them and are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms often include:

1. Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
2. Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
3. Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
4. poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
5. Desire for improved social relations
6. Appear to others as self-involved, cold and unfriendly

This sounds like me, where do I go from here?

Some say that identification and recognising the problem is half the battle. It is academic whether this may or may not be true but the way I see the path to a overcoming this has 3 stages: