Fear of Success and Intimacy

4.  Sharing of tenderness, caring, and affection
5.  Lowered defences and allowing yourself to be fragile and vulnerable

A fear of intimacy will often be characterised by the following:

• Inability to develop trust in another
• Fear of being vulnerable to being hurt
• Avoidance of risk
• Inability to let go of hurts and fears even if they occurred a long ago, especially those from previous relationships
• Fear of loss of approval; fear of rejection
• Chronic defensiveness
• Fear of being too exposed or being found out for who you "really are''
• Inability to show affection, tenderness, or caring
• Inability to be open and honest

Someone who has little problem with only physical intimacy but completely avoids any kind of relationship may well also have a fear of intimacy but in this case only of the emotional type. Usually, both are very much interrelated and are both required for a successful relationship so they will be discussed synonymously.

Fear and avoidance

Even the less physical part of intimacy which includes many things that are not very sexual – light kino, holding hands etc. which can also present problems for those who have a high fear of intimacy.

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another. Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and unable to cope with the emotions involved. The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situation.
Rather than risk being hurt, some people - whether consciously or unconsciously - decide not to let anyone get close and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Avoidant attachment theory: Low interpersonal trust

Adult attachment styles have been categorised in studies done by Bartholomew and the 4 ‘types' are based on the combinations of self-esteem and interpersonal trust. The two types with avoidant attachment style are likely to have problems with intimacy.

The avoidant attachment styles are broken down into fearful and dismissive types. Someone with a fearful attachment style has a negative view of themselves and others, but the dismissive attachment style is a person having a positive view of self and a negative view of others.

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment
People with a dismissive attachment style tend to have a very positive view of themselves and strive to be independent. They are comfortable without close emotional relationships and it is very important to them to feel independent and self-sufficient without any dependency on others. They view themselves as invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others and often deny needing close relationships. They can often appear defensive, tending to suppress and hide their feelings and dealing with rejection by distancing themselves from any sources of rejection.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style see both themselves and others negatively. They tend to be uncomfortable getting close to others and are prone to anxiety in social situations. They have a desire for emotionally close relationships, but find it difficult to trust others completely, worrying that they will be hurt if they allow themselves to become too close and feeling uncomfortable with the emotional closeness.

Fear of rejection

Poor self image and sense of self worth

If self-image is too closely tied and centred around what others think or how well you relate to others, then fear of rejection will be a threat to personal self-image – a person will be seeking constant validation from others of their self worth. This means that their own self worth is mostly out of their direct control and can fluctuate wildly depending on people's view and opinion. Any threat to this opinion is likely to cause anxiety and avoidance of any situation where there may be significant risk to it. This can apply to both physical appearance (insecurity about their body) as well as personality.