Self Esteem Is Critical To A Healthy Sexual Relationship

Pseudo self-esteem can be easily identified by: "the defensiveness with which insecure people may respond when their errors are pointed out, or the extraordinary feats of avoidance and self-deception people can exhibit with regard to gross acts of non-consciousness and irresponsibility, or the foolish and pathetic ways people sometimes try to prop up their egos by the wealth or prestige of their spouse, the make of their automobile, or the fame of their dress designer, or by the exclusiveness of their golf club."

Traits of pseudo self-esteem include: delusional, ignorance, denial, evasion, betrayal of consciousness or conviction, lack of integrity, grandiosity, fantasies of superiority, conceited (exaggerated opinion of oneself,) boasting, arrogance, and the victim mentality of blaming others. What all these have in common is the lack of respect for reality. But the biggest indicator is the angry denial of low self-esteem or the denial that self-esteem is significant or desirable.

There is no black and white, and there are various degrees, but at the extremes, I have found the following to be true of high self esteem (HSE) women and low self esteem (LSE) women:

- LSE women are insecure and seek validation from men. - HSE women are secure in themselves and have nothing to prove.

- LSE women have a bottomless pit of emotional need that can never be filled. - HSE women are self fulfilled.

- LSE women will manipulate a man to make him meet her needs. - HSE women know exactly what they want in a man, and when they find one enjoy who he is.

- LSE women are quick to obtain their man's tokens of devotion, such as expensive gifts or immediately requiring a monogamous relationship. - HSE women are suspicious of expensive gifts early on, and do not decide that they want a relationship with the man until she gets to know him well.

- LSE women would steal a man if it would give her validation. - HSE women are not at all interested in another woman's man.

- LSE women trade sex for attention and for verification that they are attractive and worthy. - For HSE women, sex is about sharing and celebrating sexuality.

- LSE women respond to being treated poorly in an attempt to prove their worthiness. - HSE women expect to be treated well and respond only to that.

- For a LSE woman, it's not about the man, it's about her own needs. - For a HSE woman, it's about what her and her man enjoy together.

- LSE women blame their problems on other people. They have the victim mentality. - HSE women assume personal responsibility for their own lot in life.

- LSE women are motivated by moving away from bad. - HSE women are motivated by moving towards good.

- LSE women must control others by manipulation. - HSE women see that as unhealthy.

- LSE women are drama queens. - HSE women seek harmony.

- LSE women have a warped sense of deservedness. - HSE women have a healthy sense of deservedness.

Self-esteem is formed early in life and takes years to develop. A woman's biggest influence in her developing years are her parents, and it is her father that has the most important influence. It is through him that she acquires the ability, or lack of ability, to have an emotionally healthy relationship with men.

A woman who had a close relationship with her father when she was a little girl is what I call a 'Daddy's Girl.' Her father was loving and caring. He believed in her and supported her. He taught her to be self reliant, independent, and to believe in herself. He may have even taught her how to throw a baseball or throw a punch. She thus grew up with a high self-esteem, a healthy relationship with men, and a good sense of deservedness. She is thus emotionally healthy and believes that she deserves to be treated well by men. Interestingly, she is also very skilled at influencing men and making a man feel emotionally close to her.

Her relationship with her father goes through stages. As a little girl, she loves him dearly and looks up to him. When the taboo instinct sets in at about age 14, she becomes independent from him and sees him as the biggest dork in the world. By the time she matures into the age of legal adult, she again adores him and cares about him dearly. But at any age, she always wants him to see her as innocent and pure, and she wants him to continue to be proud of her.