The fear of rejection

And there you have it. She is almost upon you now, but it doesn't matter because in a fraction of a second, your mind has conjured up all of these negative scenarios.

And so as she passes by, all you manage to put together is a thin-lipped smile and a nod in her direction and, well... she may or may not have noticed; you can't really tell. And it makes you very sad.

Well, you are not alone.

This is how most men live their lives: they spend their time watching her pass by. They fail to act, letting what could possibly be the most fulfilling romantic encounter they have ever experienced quietly pass them by.

It is all because of our deepest fear: the fear of rejection.

In today's society, a man feels that if a woman rejects him in any way - however politely and kindly she does it - she has somehow invalidated his very masculinity. He can't help but feel that she is indirectly rejecting him as a man. He simply isn't good enough for her. And by extension, he is not good enough for anyone - including himself.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are - she might be sad today, or not feeling pretty, or newly broken up with her boyfriend, or happily married, or frustrated with her career or her life... or whatever. He still takes it personally.

Even the most confident of men among us - those used to being constantly in the company of women - get rejected now and then; they still feel a twinge of hesitation when they encounter a woman that takes their breath away.

The fear of rejection is a man's deepest fear, and it causes him to hesitate, to catch himself, to pause with that oh-so familiar sinking feeling in his stomach. In other words, without her even saying a single word to him or even noticing him at all, he has already rejected himself.

She doesn't have to reject him because he has already done it for her.

The truth is, the fear of rejection is ingrained in all of us, including her. We have been conditioned by society to believe that we simply aren't good enough. It feels natural to us that others will reject us because we have lived with the fear of rejection our whole lives. We wear this fear around us like a blanket; we have grown accustomed to it.

In addition, the root of most of the problems in our relationships is our fundamental fear of rejection. For even in a seemingly stable and otherwise happy relationship, the latent fear of rejection can simmer just beneath the surface, manifesting itself occasionally (or often) in acts of jealousy or anger or selfishness or petty arguments.

We are born with only one fear: the fear of loud noises. All other fears are acquired as we move through life. When we were four years old, we all could sing. When we were four years old, we all could draw. But then we started to go to school and for the first time, we began to compare ourselves to others. We looked over at another kid's drawing and for the first time, we felt that maybe we couldn't draw.

Society has ingrained in our consciousness the notion that we might not be as good as someone else. Or, equally common, our parents conveyed to us through their words or their actions from an early age that we simply were not good enough.

Men spend their lives trying to compensate for this perceived lack of value. They try to wear the right clothes, get the right job, drive the right car; all in an attempt to distract her. We hope that maybe she won't notice - and ultimately reject - the real us.

So here we are today: men fear women because they feel that she has the power... the power to validate them. To most men, if a woman agrees to see them or date them or marry them or love them, it gives him value. He feels like a man, like someone has accepted who he is. Unfortunately, he feels the reverse is also true: after all, if she rejects him by not agreeing to any of these things, then is she not invalidating him?

One of the saddest phrases for a man to hear from a woman is, "Don't take this personally, but..." She may sincerely not want to hurt him, but in reality, a man can't help but take it personally.